Competent, Confident, and Capable

Many of the books, podcasts, and articles that I have been reading over the past year have had a few similar underlying themes—how do we raise successful kids beyond the classroom, why are kids facing increased anxiety and seemingly decreased life skills, and how can educators and parents help equip kids for all that life has to offer beyond just grades. It is clearly a relevant topic in today’s climate. 

As I was discussing this with a counselor friend, we talked about how to help children gain the skills necessary for “real life” while also meeting them developmentally where they are. She laughed as she looked down at my notebook and said, “well I guess that sums it up”. She saw that I had written down in large letters “Competence = Confidence = Competence”.

This isn’t a groundbreaking or new idea, it is something that has been around for what I assume is close to forever. But, I have it written on my notebook as a constant reminder because there are many times in my personal and professional life that I need the reminder that the more I try to equip the kids I work with with competence, the more confident that they will be in themselves and their abilities, and that will only lead to more competence and capability that will serve them throughout their lifetime. 

When I was a “baby social worker” I think it would probably bring me some joy whenever I would hear someone say “I just don’t know if they could survive {insert school, scenario, etc} without you”. Now, it makes me wince a little. I hope that every student I work with I am helping equip with skills, knowledge, and real life experience to cope with issues they face long after I am no longer in their life. 

Sure, there are many times that I want to email a teacher and ask for an excuse of work because of a teary circumstance, or a deadline extension on a student’s behalf—but is that really helping them if I do the legwork? What often helps them the most is when we meet with a teacher together, or write an email to their teacher together so that they feel confident that they can handle this, and if it comes up again they usually don’t need me to be a “middle man” at all. In 5th grade this seems overwhelming but if they start that skill now, they have 8 years of stacked experience and confidence by the time they get to a college classroom and have to meet nervously with a professor for the first time. 

Our goal is not to remove obstacles for our kids—it’s to walk alongside them as they learn how to navigate those obstacles themselves. That might mean a little more time, a little more patience, and oftentimes allowing them to feel discomfort. But in those moments, they are building something far more valuable than a perfect outcome—they are building competence.

And when competence grows, confidence follows. Students begin to trust themselves, to advocate for themselves, and to believe that they are capable of handling what comes their way.

So while it may be tempting to step in, smooth things over, or solve the problem for them, the greater gift is helping them learn that they can do hard things—with support, practice, and time.

Because ultimately, we’re not just raising successful students—we’re raising capable young people who believe in their ability to handle life beyond the classroom.

PS. Christen Timmons and I will be hosting a “Coffee + Chat with Counselors” parent event on May 11th from 8:15AM-9AM in the Chapel. We will be talking about the new book “Capable” by Sissy Goff and David Thomas and giving you a sneak peek at an exciting event coming up in the Fall here in Trinity—stay tuned for more details!