“Hope Begins at the Intersection of Struggle”

This is probably one of my favorite quotes from the book, Capable.

I know, it’s not a new concept. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve used the term “we grow through what we go through”, but sometimes it truly does feel counterintuitive. For many, our natural instinct is to comfort, reassure, remove obstacles, and make sure everything goes as planned. We want our kids to feel good, and that’s not a bad thing!

But, what about when things don’t go as planned?

In Middle School, that may look like a conflict with a friend, losing that big game, not making the grade we wanted, or not escaping Middle School without the dreaded infraction. 

Ideally, these smaller, more manageable childhood struggles are how our kids learn that life doesn’t always go as planned—but sadly, they often learn at a young age in devastating ways that life can take unexpected turns. The loss of a close loved one, significant and unexpected trauma, a devastating job loss that uproots an entire way of life–the list could go on and on.

We hope that we can start teaching our kids that struggle and hope are tied together on the smaller things: resolving that friendship conflict, talking with the teacher and explaining when they need additional help, learning that those infractions truly are meant to be restorative. 

These moments may seem small, but they are opportunities to build resilience. And the more our kids experience that they can handle the unexpected, the more confident they become that they can do hard things.

Resilience is almost like a muscle. We can’t wake up one day and lift our best weight out of nowhere or run a marathon without preparation. It takes practice; we start small and build up our endurance. It may seem silly to think that a hard and unwanted conversation with a teacher now could impact them for life, but that conversation could be preparing them for that life-changing conversation with an employer later. Learning from an infraction could be helping them learn boundaries that they will need when they are on their own in college. Navigating that friendship conflict could be helping them learn to communicate and move forward, someday helping them in the midst of a marital conflict.

They begin to learn, “I may not like this. This may not be what I planned, this may be uncomfortable, or even painful. But I can handle it. I can ask for help. I can figure out what comes next.”

And that is where struggle and hope begin to intersect. 

The more our kids experience that they can do hard things, the more confident they become in their ability to face what comes next. Hope doesn’t mean that we’ve removed all of the struggle from life or that things are guaranteed to work out according to our plans. It means that even when life is hard and our plans fall apart, we can trust that there is a way forward.

And a reminder that this isn’t a new concept. Romans 5:3–4 reminds us, “Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.”

We cannot promise our children a life without struggle. 

But, we can help them build the resilience to face it, the confidence to know they can do hard things, and the hope to believe that even when life doesn’t go according to plan, there is a path forward—and that they never have to walk it alone.

If you would like to learn more about the work of “Capable” and explore podcasts and resources further visit: https://www.raisingboysandgirls.com/resources/capable-resources