Raising Capable Teenagers

First of all, thank you so much to all of you who were able to join us at our parent event with Capable co-author, David Thomas, a few weeks ago! The theme of “Capable” is guiding much of the work I currently do on campus, especially with your Upper School student. 

One of the hardest parts of parenting older children is knowing when to help and when to let them figure things out on their own.

As our children get older, the problems they face become more complicated. A difficult friendship, a disappointing grade, a conflict with a teacher, a missed deadline, or a decision about their future can feel significant—and as parents, it can be tempting to step in and make things easier.

Sometimes our teenagers genuinely need our help. But sometimes what they need most is the opportunity to discover that they can handle hard things themselves.

There is an important difference between supporting our teenagers and rescuing them.

Supporting might sound like:

Rescuing often sounds like:

The difference may seem small, but the message our teenagers receive is very different. One communicates, “You don't have to do this alone.” The other can unintentionally communicate, “You can't handle this without me.”

High school is an important season for practicing independence while the safety net of home is still there. That means allowing teenagers to make mistakes, experience reasonable consequences, and try again.

If a student forgets an assignment, they may need to talk with the teacher. If they have a disagreement with a friend, they may need to work through the conversation themselves. If they make a poor choice, they may need to sit with the consequences and determine what they can do differently next time.

Our instinct as adults is often to prevent discomfort. But discomfort isn't always a sign that something has gone wrong. Sometimes discomfort is the very place where growth happens.

The goal isn't to leave teenagers on their own. The goal is to gradually move from being the person who solves the problem to being the person who helps them learn how to solve it.

The next time your teenager brings you a problem, try resisting the urge to immediately offer a solution.

Instead, ask:

You may be surprised by how often they already know.

And if they don't know? That's okay, too. You can help them think through their options without taking the problem away from them.

Because ultimately, we aren't just preparing our teenagers for the next test, the next grade, or even the next school year. We're preparing them for adulthood.

We want our graduates to leave us believing:

That is capability.

And sometimes, one of the greatest gifts we can give our teenagers is the chance to discover it for themselves. As I always remind them, “You’ve got this”, and sometimes that is the most helpful feedback that we can offer them. That we know that they can do this, that they’ve got the capacity, and that we believe they are capable.